Tracey Henderson's blog

Michael Vick is out of his mind

So, apparently Michael Vick still thinks he's one of the top ten quarterbacks in the NFL. Appearing on the Dan Patrick Show on Monday, Vick said that he's confident in his skills and still views himself in the Top 10.

Which is nonsensical, naturally. Even before Vick went to jail, he potentially was not a Top-10 QB. As thrilling as he was due to watch, he was sometimes wounded and left some to be desired with his performance results. Two years on, though, he was not even the second-best QB on his own team, the Philadelphia Eagles, which are probably going to part tactics with him.

So whatever Vick's smoking ( and, after that airport incident, you know he's got some connections ), send it along to our offices. Because that shit must be good. And, for people that are interested, the Michael Vick Project is about to debut on BET tonight at 1000. TAUNTR.com

Boobs boobs boobs at parade regardless of Saints win or not

NEW ORLEANS - The city of New Orleans and the New Orleans Saints are organizing a post-Super Bowl parade regardless of the result of the particular game. Win or lose, the people of New Orleans want to see some tits and there is not any smarter way to see two knockers than holding a parade in New Orleans,' said New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin. 'We're proud of this Saints team so we will be able to only imagine how proud the female fans are going to be. We want to have this. We need more funbags in the streets. It's good for tourism. I desire ta-tas everywhere. No matter where you look there should be headlights, breasticles, gazongas and grimy pillows. I want you to be able to walk in to a grocery store and see 2 dairy sections. Then I believe we'll all be cheerful, win or lose.'. TAUNTR.com

Tennessee runs out of contracts has recruits sign hostesses breasts

KNOXVILLE - Top recruits wide receiver Da'Rick Rogers and linebacker Raiques Crump signed with the varsity of Tennessee today. New boss coach Derek Dooley scrambled to get his most sought-after players signed. Dooley stated that he got an idea from Volunteers men's basketball coach Bruce Pearl to get his men to sign. 'Rather than signing a traditional document,' said Dooley,'Bruce recommended we have the players sign our hostesses' breasts.' Dooley chose Volunteers hostess Heather Collins to represent the team at signing. 'Alright boys, sign anywhere you want,' said Dooley to the players. The wide-eyed sign ups dove in to sign Collins' rack, the bustiest of all of the Tennessee hostesses. 'Don't be shy boys, those titties are D-cups. Use the fat wizardry marker.' recruits were then authorized a 30-second motor boat in Collins' cleavage before donning the bright orange Volunteers cap. TAUNTR.com

FSU recruit crams all night before signing day learning how to spell his name

TALLAHASSEE - Florida State college top wide receiver prospect De'Joshua Johnson officially signed with the Seminoles today. The signing comes after an all-night cram session by Johnson to find out how to spell his name. 'I'm not illiterate, I just never learned the easy way to spell correct,' announced Johnson. Quivering on signing day, he slowly scratched out his name correctly at the bottom of the page of his letter of intent. 'I would get where to put the apostrophe wrong a lot,' related Johnson. 'And the silent 'h' in 'Johnson' would always get me.' Johnson also had a problem with writing the letter 's' backwards, though doctors say the wide receiver has no learning incapacities, such as dyslexia. Johnson will attend FSU on academic scholarship. TAUNTR.com

No one uses classmates.com except Bill Belichick

BOSTON - At the final new england Patriots team meeting, boss coach Bill Belichick had one last piece of advice for his players for the offseason. 'Stay off yearbook and MyFace,' said Belichick, who is well known for his secretive team policies. Days later, however players started receiving strange emails from Belichick. 'I started getting invites for classmates.com,' claimed wide receiver Wes Welker. 'I did not realize folk have used that site since, oh, 2000.' Kicker Steven Gostkowski also received invites from the coach. 'I don't dare think I was born the year he graduated high school,' asserted Gostkowski. 'Coach is a little behind the times.' Nose Tackle Vice Wilfork expounded he's known about Belichick's unfamiliarity with technology for a bit. 'He attempted to put his Blackberry in a VCR once,' related Wilfork. 'And you don't want to know what he thought a Wii controller was for.'. TAUNTR.com

Westbrook to miss NFL All-Decade team with concussion

PHILADELPHIA - The NFL All-Decade team was related Monday, but the versatile Philadelphia Eagles running back Brian Westbrook was missing from the lineup. 'Brian would have made the team,' said Pro soccer hall of fame Selection panel member Paul Domowitch. 'But he was listed as dubious with a concussion, so we had to go with Shawn Alexander.' Westbrook possibly had a better decade in the 2000s than any running back on the All-Decade team, but the injuries that have troubled the running back caught up with him again. 'If this was the All-Seven-And-A-Half-Year team, he would have been in hands down,' claimed Domowitch. 'It's a shame. I loved that bloke fully wrecking each fantasy football season for me since 2000.'. TAUNTR.com

Bill Elliot ready to climb back in the driver's seat after Bingo

DAWSONVILLE - former NASCAR run Cup Series champ Bill Elliot is considering coming back full time right so long as it works round his bingo schedule. 'I've been racin' part-time and I tell ya, it has been difficult on my bingo time, claimed Elliot. 'I had to leave one game to head to a race. I only required a B5 to get that'X' bingo. That is a good bingo.' Elliot will be fifty five this year, only one or two years older than current driver Mark Martin. 'That young whippersnapper is going down. I can outrace him and outbingo him,' expounded Elliot. When asked how Elliot would fair against the more youthful drivers in the run Cup, like Kasey Kahne, Elliot answered,'Who's she? They let girls race now?'. TAUNTR.com

Upcoming season of Regis and Kelly antisipated by Jeff Gordon

CHARLOTTE - NASCAR sprint Cup Series driver Jeff Gordon is just ecstatic about upcoming season of Regis and Kelly that begins in February. The show goes on a tiny bit of a hiatus after the holidays and then starts up again with all-new episode in mid-February. 'I cleared my schedule from February on,' claims a giddy Gordon. 'It is seriously the best thing on television. To hear Regis talk about Notre dame and the Yankees and Joyce and then Kelly tells us all these stories about her horny soap opera stud husband and vacationing with her youngsters. Best. Show. Ever. You know I have been on it before. Were you aware that? I've been on more than Clay Aiken. So that must mean I'm pretty good.'. TAUNTR.com

NFL losing interest CLF looking probable for Tim Tebow

MOBILE, AL - Most NFL scouts have given up on Tim Tebow after a poor Senior Bowl showing, but the Heisman prize winner remains upbeat. 'Even if the NFL does not work out I am excited to play for the CFL,' claimed Tebow. 'The NFL has a lot more evangelism chances for me, but playing for the Christian soccer League will be great to play the game with brothers in Christ.' Tebow has been working out with Marc Trestman, coach of the CFL team the Montreal Alouettes, who told him he'd have achievement in the CFL. 'Tim doesn't realize the 'C' stands for Canadian,' said Trestman. 'But he is actually excited, and we do not wish to lose him as a prospect, so I am not going to wreck the news to him until after he's signed.' Canada P. M. Steven Harper is considering changing the state's name to'Christiandia' to keep Tebow enthusiastic about the CFL. TAUNTR.com

Blount increases NFL draft status by punching Tebow in face

MOBILE, AL - Since beginning the school soccer season with a punch to the face of a Boise State player, Oregon Ducks running back LeGarrette Blount has been slowly rehabilitating his NFL draft standing with great on-field play and respectful off-field conduct. However his temper got the better of him again saturday as he punched Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow in the face during pre-game warm ups. 'He just wouldn't shut up about abortion and Jesus,' declared Blount. 'He was vexing everyone, even his teammates. Even coach [Tony] Sparano asked me punch the kid in the mouth, so I did.' NFL scouts were impressed. 'Players in the NFL are not going to stand for that constant waffle from a kid who's most probably going to get cut,' asserted Dallas Cowboys scout Tom Ciskowski,'Blount showed the leadership needed at the pro level by hitting that bitch in the lip.' Before the punch Blount's draft status was looking like a high 5th round pick. He's now being rated in the mid 3rd round. TAUNTR.com